A Texas Adoptee's Story

Pam is one of the growing membership of Texans for Adult Adoptees OBC Access.  As each day goes forward, we are actively working for adoptee rights in Texas.  Its important that we also spotlight our member's experiences.  We want our members to be able to voice their experiences so that others can learn from them.  There will be times that it seems like we are repeating it.  Its important that we do repeat these stories.  New adoptees and mothers are searching every day.  They need to see our experiences and use them to their advantage. They need to learn that they also have a voice in the thing called adoption. 

Here is Pam's story in her delightful voice:

I am a 'united at last' adoptee since 1999. I was 43 years old when I began my search for my roots. Why did I wait so long? There are several reasons. One is that I was raised in a loving home in a tightknit community in rural central Texas and the last thing I ever wanted to do was disrespect the people who raised me. Another reason is that I got derailed by life--college, marriage, children, job. I was simply too busy. And last, but certainly not least, there was the 'I have no idea where to begin' and the 'I don't have the money to spend' factors.

 

Prior to searching, I had some prior knowledge--courtesy of my adoptive parents. I knew that my birth mother was called Bunny, that she came from and returned to Minnesota, that she had 2 older children and that I had at least 1 sibling who was adopted after me.

 

The impetus to search came in the summer of 1998. A couple of events happened that pushed me from just wondering to actually looking. First of all, we got internet access for the first time and I realized that there were search sites for members of the adoption triad. Second, and most important, my husband was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and it hit me that I had NO medical history! Not one thing except for the fact that the doctors told my parents I was healthy as a baby and bloodwork showed nothing to be concerned about. I was a healthy adult with three healthy children but I had no idea what might be lurking in my genetic past.

 

I began tentatively by placing information on various websites devoted to adoption searching. I didn't even make it to square one! So I contacted the state and determined when and where my adoption was finalized. I then contacted the court administrator for the judge (Tarrant County) and was told that he would not open my records but would allow me to utilize the services of a CI. I made contact with a CI and was on the verge of contracting with her when an amazing set of events began to quickly unfold.

 

First of all, I made contact with a woman who had many similarities with me--geographic location, knowledge of other siblings, among them. We thought we might be sisters. She grew up about 40 miles from where I grew up and as we compared stories there were many commonalities. My husband insisted that I approach my parents at that point because he said that the grapevine in that part of the world often works faster than the internet. He was right so I carefully and cautiously broached the subject. They had a bombshell to drop. She wasn't my sister because she was born around the same time as my younger brother and they knew who and where he was!!

 

I attempted to contact him through his adopted mother (who was the intermediary in my adoption) but she denied that he was my brother. I had some long time friends living in the same area so I contacted them and they not only knew him, they knew him quite well as he was remodeling a house for them! So they told him about me and he called me and it was evident from the beginning that we 'belonged' to each other.

 

Several other things happened but the bottom line is that within a week, we had made contact with our older sister, two younger brothers, and two younger sisters! And we had the name of our birth mother. We discovered that she died in 1988 of complications of melanoma which makes us (and our children) up to 8x more likely to contract it than people in the general population.

 

Armed with my birth mother's death certificate and the consent of my older sister, who was the executor of her estate, I attempted to get medical records from the hospital in which I was born. That drew a complete blank as the hospital wouldn't even acknowledge that they had such documents.

 

I contacted the CI and she told me to go it on my own. I have never forgotten her advice and appreciate her very much. She could have insisted I honor our verbal contract but she did not.

 

I petitioned the judge for my records and he granted that request. He also signed a court order for me to obtain my hospital records as well as my original birth certificate. I sent the order to the state and waited and waited and waited some more. Finally, I phoned and had to leave a voice mail. The person in Austin returned my call and said that she could not release my obc because the court order came from the wrong court! I pointed out to her that it was HER who had sent me a letter with that information and I quoted the cause number, etc. I literally heard papers shuffling on her desk and she told me the document would be in the mail asap. To this day, I don't know if she was trying to stonewall me or if it was a genuine mistake on her part. But the bottom line is--I got my original birth certificate. It's MINE. I deserve it. Other adult adoptees deserve theirs, too.

 

What have I gained from this journey of 10 years? I have gained a sense of wholeness. I was raised in a loving home by wonderful parents. I grew up in a small town where I felt safe and secure. I married the love of my life and had 3 wonderful children. I have a job I feel called to do. But there was always a 'hole' in my heart that no one or nothing could fill. In finding my siblings, I have found the missing pieces of the puzzle. I have gained valuable medical history that might save my life or that of my children. But most of all, I have truly found myself.